Learning to clean blood out of silk through no power of my own...

These truly are journeys in a strange life.

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Leaving a trail of p - e - b - b - l - e - s
Everyone remembers the part of the Hansel and Gretel story wherein the children leave a trail of breadcrumbs behind them so they might find their way back home. What is less remembered is the trail of pebbles that they left behind the first time their father took them into the forest.

I think of journal-writing as leaving my own pebble trail. It's a way to gauge where I have been and how far I've come. The joys and sorrows I've experienced, the hardships I've overcome. In truth sometimes I cringe to read some of my entries from junior high and high school. I was so very young and so self-involved. My world so small. Sometimes I worry that my world hasn't gotten that much bigger, but as worrying has never added a day to anyone's life I straighten my shoulders and tell myself that I will try to do better tomorrow.

I write a lot about relationships because they are dear to me. People and my interactions with them are probably the most precious things in my life. I also write about relationships because being alone and being forgotten are two of my deepest fears. Deep down I fear that I am unworthy of love--of being loved--and that one day I will end up all alone, forgotten and unmissed by the world at large.
The truth, which I know and just have trouble believing the way I believe that the sun will continue to rise in the east and that snow will fall during a Minnesota winter, is that I am more than worthy of love and of being loved. That even if I end up single for the rest of my days, it does not mean that I will have a less fulfilling life. It just means that it will not be the life I expected. And that is okay. I need to remember that I do, in fact, like surprises; that, aside from my actions and my reactions to the things that happen around and to me, I really have no control over what happens in this crazy life. So I should just shut up that internal worrywart and hang on. Because if I know one thing, I know it's going to be an interesting ride.


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